Monday, 26 April 2010

Time to move on?

Well, it's been a month, and I still keep the same wish, still mention the same prayers. I never stop hoping, praying to the Almighty God. I still cry, sometimes.

When everything seems so miserable and doesn't attract me for whatever, there's one thing that makes me forget the misery and start to laugh again. And frankly, this is something I used to blame on when thing's getting hard. Situation.

Time goes by and I don't know how, I'm getting used to live without 'them'. Weird. I know, but it ridiculously happened. Though I'm still getting hard times when certain moment reminds me of them, when certain circumtances remind me how this could be handled easily when I had them. It's hurt, you know.

Especially when everybody who used to count on me for technology stuff is now hesitate to ask me a favor. I mean, they try to keep my feeling. And, everybody in my office always tries to avoid any kinda topic that related with my lost stuffs. They're so sweet, don't you think?

Honestly, I'm still in grave, but I try to move on. I always try. Just like this time.

It was white, but now it's all black. The parameter is Lou, she got a black delicious body and alhamdulillah, I got a nu notebook now and it's black as well. I used to have white earphone, but now I use my MP4's earphone which is in black. I never use it since I didn't like its head, the white one is better and more fit in my ears. It's all black now. My new white :]

By the way, my new notebook's named Kurogane or you can call him Kuro. I took its name from a character in manga by CLAMP, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle (the anime entitled: Chronicle of the Wings). Kurogane is a strong knight, expert in battle and handle a sword. He always wears black outfit and his friend always identified him as a black guy. That's why I took his name for my new notebook, because they got the same color of outfit :] and I have a feeling that this nu guy is gonna be a strong partner of mine. I know you can do it, buddy!

-- -- -- -- --

Ok, I never got this fuckin attention this much before, I always avoid the spotlight. That's why I never BECOME a topic in a hush, I hate being the center of attention. But, shit happens, right? Crud.

It's all started with a rumor that I'm dating with someone. Someone spread this silly news in my office and snap, it's now the hot news of today among my friends. Well, I don't know how this stupid story first came up and who's the source, that's why it's called rumors, right? Oh God, I HATE rumors!
Everytime I show up in my office, everybody keep asking me anything to feed their curiousity. Anything about 'the guy'. They even throwed me some candidates to decide. And you know what, when they didn't get what they want, they asked certain people in my campus who might got the better info. Oh right, who's the celebrity once again?

And the worst thing, my Twitter profile is being watched. Just to get a tiny information about my love life. I feel like a celebrity, like, seriously. This is silly.

I told them that I'm not dating anybody right now, but they don't believe me. They keep pushing me to tell them who's the guy, or tell them that what they guess is right. FYI, there's two sides now in my office and each of them got its candidates. And this one side seems so sure with their information, I don't know how but when I got back to office, the rumors has getting bigger already. Super silly.

And since I know that those people didn't stop in office only to talk about it, they're wandering as well in campus, I got some misterious smiles and weird 'hi' from several people. Ok, this is freaking me out!

I feel like I always being attacked in my own office, everybody's like against me or something. The only person I can run to is my bestfriend, Anty. Because she KNOWS what really happen with me, for real. And I can guarantee she ain't gonna tell anybody if I didn't ask her so :]

Alright, I'll tell you what the rumors talk about now and you may laugh your ass off because of that :D >> I'm dating with someone from my year and it's been 2 weeks. And fyi, this guy, I don't even close to him. I know him, but not close, you know. So, how could the relationship even started? See? Sometimes, rumors is amusing in its own way :D

-- -- -- -- --

New things come and go. I love nu things. I love change, sort of ;]

But what happen with me for this 'thing' is like forever. I'm dying. Shit I turn to be emo again. Oh lately, since that fuckin "Black Friday" actually. We're going to talk about something else this time, anyway.

I know God always have plan for us, humans. I realize that, but I never knew that His plan could turn me to something I never believe it could even happen. Like, I was too sure that I'm gonna be in this circumtances forever.

Like I said days ago in Twitter, move on requires lots of effort. I'm in suffer of moving on. Since years ago. I don't have any faith in my self to reach the goal of moving on. I don't wanna move on. I'm too comfortable with this place and whatever out there creeps me out. So, I stay.

God might be smile and shake his head right now. I was so stubborn. And if I could add one, He might be saying like this, "I told you!". Yes, I just need to believe in the word of change. I mean, in a complete meaning. Changing.

Moving on is not easy, like I always believe (that's why I don't wanna move on since the first place). When the past is already fading away, I'm trying to let it go, like saying goodbye and stuffs, here comes this fuckin shadow, haunting me like a shit.

Oh God. Why this shadow is still stick with me? I think I've already saying goodbye. Goodbye means never-see-you-again, right? So why I still see this shit again??

I'm afraid I turn out to be someone like Kugy girl from Perahu Kertas by Dee or worse, Summer from (500) Days of Summer. I don't wanna hurt anybody. Not someone close to me, especially. It's just, there's a doubt in my mind, the grey area. Because of the shadow.

Alright, if you don't understand what I'm just saying, well, I talk about something personal. Something I never talk to anybody I know, I feel it more comfortable to talk about it with the strangers. There're 2 strangers who know the whole story: (1) A man from Switzerland I met in MySpace, he said hi first and in a minute later I told him everything. I forget how it's exactly started haha (2) A guy in my late English course, he's the man who inteviewed me in the placement test. He insisted asking me about someone I crushed on while in the other side I insisted to tell him about my interests which I think more appealing that time. So, yes, the water spilled over in the end.

Nobody knows, not even my bestfriends. I just don't have the fucking guts, I'm too shy to tell everything :] I'm not trying to forget it, after I consider again, it's unforgetable. So, I decided to keep it wherever it want to save in. It's someone mean a lot to me, you can't erase someone special from your memory. No matter he's from the past or has turned your life into a riot. Special always has a space in your mind, trust me ;] And considering I'm in a program of moving-on-project now, let's put the past aside and face the today-me :]

What does make me decided to move on now? Did I meet someone new? Did someone from the past say something to me? You tell me ;]

P.S.: for the ones who're dying for that sort of 'info', here's a hint ;]
P.S.S.: from now on, maybe 'Rest in peace, my kids' is the right phrase for my mind and my heart.


  1. ahahai,,,, slamat yahh,,, alhamdulillah udah dapet gantinya nih,,, lok gitu udah bisa bikinin aku foto yang bisa gerak2 itu donk yah?? hihi,,:P

    daaaannn,,, ihiiii,,, anakq punya kecengan niehh,,, suwit2,,, sapa tuh nak? kok emak gak dikabar2in? :D

  2. Masalahnya software-nya ga ada, km download aja jadi kan bisa bikin sendiri mak .

    Ngawooorrr !! Aku ga ngecengin siapa2 makk hadooo jangan mulai gosip baru deh yaa --'


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